My impression is that 80 to 90 percent of the poems that
came to us for the Hindi version of Manushi, and at least half of
those for English Manushi, revolved around the mythological Sita,
or the writer as a contemporary Sita, with a focus on her steadfast
resolve, her suffering, or her rebellion. Sita loomed large in the
lives of these women, whether they were asserting their moral strength
or rebelling against what they had come to see as the unreasonable
demands of society or family. Either way Sita was the point of reference
— an ideal they emulated or rejected. I was very puzzled by
this obsession, and even began to get impatient with the harangues
of our modern day Sitas.
And then came the biggest surprise
of all. The first poem I ever wrote was in Hindi, and was entitled,
Agnipariksha. I give some extracts in a rough translation:
I too have given agnipariksha,
Not one — but many
Everyday, a new one.
However, this agnipariksha
Is not to prove myself worthy of this
or that Ram
But to make myself
Worthy of freedom.
Every day your envious, dirty
looks
Reduced me to ashes
And everyday, like a Phoenix, I
arose again
Out of my own ashes ........
Who is Ram to reject me?
I have rejected that entire society
Which has converted
Homes into prisons.
Not just me, even my former
colleague, Ruth Vanita, who is from a Christian family, wrote
many a poem around the Sita theme. Her recent collection of
poems has several poems that revolve around the Sita symbol.
It took a long time, but eventually I became conscious that
this obsession with Sita needs to be understood more sensitively
than I was hitherto prepared for. Therefore, I began to ask
this question fairly regularly of various men and women I
met over the years: who do they hold up as an example of the
ideal man and ideal woman? Young girls tend to name public
figures like Rani Lakshmibai of Jhansi, Indira Gandhi, and
Mother Teresa as their ideals. But those already
married or on the threshold
of marriage very frequently |
|
| A modern calendar representation of Ram and Sita |
|
mention Sita as their ideal (barring the few who are avowedly feminist).
At this point of their lives, the distinction between an ideal woman
and an ideal wife seem to often get blurred in the minds of women.
That includes not just women of my mother or grandmother’s generations
but even young collegegoing girls — not just those in small
towns and villages, but also those in metropolitan cities like Delhi.
Even among my students in the Delhi University college
where I teach, Sita invariably crops up as their notion of an ideal
woman. She is frequently the first choice if you ask someone to
name a symbol of an ideal wife. When I ask women why they find this
ideal still relevant, the most common response is that the example
Sita sets will always remain relevant, even though they may themselves
not be able to completely live up to it. This failure they attribute
to their living in kalyug. They feel that in today’s debased
world it is difficult to measure up to such high standards. However,
most women add that they do try to live up to the Sita ideal to
the best of their ability, while making some adjustments keeping
present day circumstances in view.
Importance of Being Sita
Since I don’t have the space
to quote extensively from the large number and variety of
interviews I have done on the subject, I merely give the gist
of what emerged out of these interviews.
It is a common sentiment among Indian women (and men) that
the ideals set in bygone ages are still valid and worth emulating,
though they admit few people manage to do so in today’s
world. This attitude contrasts sharply with the popular western
view that assumes that people in by-gone ages were less knowledgeable,
were far less aware and conscious of their rights and dignity,
had fewer options, and therefore were less evolved as human
beings. This linear view of human society makes the past something
to be studied and kept in museums but is not expected to encroach
upon the supposedly superior wisdom of the present generation.
In India, on the other hand, Ram and Sita are not seen as
remote figures out of a distant past to be dismissed lightly
just because we are living in a different age and have evolved
different lifestyles. They are living role models seen as
having set standards so superior that they are hard to emulate
for those living in our more “corrupt” age, the
kalyug.
My interviews indicate that Indian women are not endorsing
female slavery when they mention Sita as their ideal. Sita
is not perceived as being a mindless creature who meekly suffers
maltreatment at the hands of her husband without complaining.
Nor does accepting Sita as an ideal mean endorsing a husband’s
right to behave unreasonably and a wife’s duty to bear
insults graciously. She is seen as a person whose sense of
dharma is superior to and more awe inspiring than that of
Ram — someone who puts even maryada purushottam Ram
— the most perfect of men — to shame. She is the
darling of Kaushalya, her mother-inlaw, who constantly mourns
Sita’s absence from Ayodhya. She worries about her more
than she does for her son Ram. As the bahu of Avadh, she is
everyone’s dream of an ideal, loving daughter-in-law.
To the people of Mithila, she is far more divine and worthy
of reverence than Ram. |
|
| The abandoned Sita with her newborns in Balmiki’s
ashram |
| |
|
| Ram’s rejection of Sita is
almost universally condemned while her rejection of
him is held up as an example of supreme dignity. |
|
Her father-in-law, Dashrath, and her three brother-in-laws dote
on her. Ram has at least some enemies like Bali who feel wronged
and cheated by him. Ram can become angry and act the role of an
avenger. Sita is love and forgiveness incarnate and has no ill feelings
even for those who torture her in Ravan’s captivity.
In many folk songs, even Lakshman, the forever obedient and devoted
brother of Ram, takes Sita’s side against his own brother
when Ram decides to banish Sita. In one particular folk song, he
argues with Ram: “How can I abandon a bhabhi such as Sita
who is like food for the hungry and clothes for the naked? She is
like a cool drink of water for the thirsty. She is now in full term
of pregnancy. How can I cast her away at your command?” (Singh,
1986)2 He is in such pain at having to obey and carry
out such an unjust command of his king and elder brother that he
does not dare disclose the true intent of their trip to the forest.
Squirming with shame, he leaves her there on a false pretense
She is a woman who even the gods revere, a woman who refuses to
accept her husband’s tyranny even while she remains steadfast
in her love for him and loyalty to him to the very end. People commonly
perceive Sita’s steadfastness as a sign of emotional strength
and not slavery, because she refuses to forsake her dharma even
though Ram forsook his dharma as a husband. Most women (and even
men) I have spoken to on the subject refer to her as a “flawless”
person, overlooking even those episodes where she acts unreasonably
(e.g., her humiliating Lakshman with crude allegations about his
intentions towards her), whereas Ram is seen as possessing a major
flaw in his otherwise respect worthy character because of the way
he behaved towards his wife and children.
When gods go wrong
|
| Sita: Purna - trayisvara temple, Tripunnitura |
|
Hindus talk of Ram and Sita, Shiv
and Parvati and sundry other gods in very human ways and feel
no hesitation in passing moral judgements on them. Very few
Hindu men or women justify those actions of these deities
which they consider wrong or immoral by contemporaneously
upheld standards of morality. In other words, gods and goddesses
are expected to live up to the expectations of fair play demanded
by their present day worshippers. Their praiseworthy actions
are neatly sifted from those where the gods fail to uphold
dharmic conduct. Such criticism and condemnation is not seen
as a sign of being irreligious or irreverent but as an acknowledgement
that even gods are not perfect or infallible. This provides
a far greater sense of freedom and volition to individuals
within the Hindu faith than in religions where god’s
commandments are to be unconditionally obeyed and the god
is upheld as a symbol of infallibility.
Sita’s offer of agnipariksha and her coming out of
it unscathed is by and large seen not as an act of supine
surrender to the whims of an unreasonable husband but as an
act of defiance that challenges her husband’s aspersions,
as a means of showing him to be so flawed in his judgement
that the gods have to come and pull up Ram for his foolishness.
Unlike Draupadi, she does not call upon them for help. Their
help comes unsolicited. She emerges as a woman that even agni
(fire god) —who has the power to destroy everything
he touches — dare not touch or harm. Thus, in popular
perception Sita’s agni pariksha is not put in the same
category as the mandatory virginity test Diana had to go through
in order to prove herself a suitable bride for Prince Charles,
but rather as an act of supreme defiance on her part. It only
underscores the point that Ram is emotionally unreliable and
can be unjust in his dealings with Sita, that he behaved like
a petty minded, stupidly mistrustful, jealous husband and
showed himself to be a slave to social opinion. Most women
and men I interviewed felt he had no right to reject and humiliate
her or to demand an agnipariksha.
Rejection of Ram
The refusal of Sita to go through a second agnipariksha —
which Ram demands in addition to the first one that she had
offered in defiance — has left a far deeper impact on
the popular imagination. It is interpreted not as an act of
self annihilation but as a momentous but dignified rejection
of Ram as a husband. It is noteworthy that Sita is considered
the foremost of the mahasatis even though she rejected Ram’s
tyrannical demand of that final fire ordeal resolutely and
refused to come back and live with him. It is
he who is left grieving for
her and is humbled and |
rejected by his own sons. Ram may not have rejected her as a wife
but only as a queen in deference to social opinion, but Sita rejects
him as a husband. In Kalidasa’s Raghuvansha, after her banishment
by Ram, Sita does not address Ram as Aryaputra (a term for husband
that literally translates as son of my fatherin- law) but refers to
him as ‘King’ instead. For instance, when Lakshman comes
to her with Ram’s message, she conveys her rejection of him
as her husband in the following words: “Tell the king on my
behalf that even after finding me pure after the fire ordeal he had
in your presence, now you have chosen to leave me because of public
slander. Do you think it is befitting the noble family in which you
were born?” (Kalidasa)3
His rejection
of Sita is almost universally condemned while her rejection of him
is held up as an example of supreme dignity. By that act she emerges
triumphant and supreme; she leaves a permanent stigma on Ram’s
name. I have never heard even one person, man or woman, suggest
that Sita should have gone through the second fire ordeal quietly
and obediently and accepted life with her husband once again, though
I often hear people say that Ram had no business to reject her in
the first place.
Despite the Divorce
Ram may have forsaken Sita, but the power of popular sentiment
has kept them united. Her name precedes Ram’s in the
popular greeting in North India: Jai Siya Ram, as also in
several bhajans and chants. He is seen as incomplete without
her. He stands alone only in the BJP’s propagandaand
posters. Otherwise he is never worshipped without his spouse.
There is no Ram mandir without Sita by his side. However,
there is at least one Sita mandir that I personally know of
where Sita presides without Ram. I was introduced to it by
the workers of Shetkari Sangathana. This is in Raveri village
of Yavatmal district in Maharashtra. The people of the village
and surrounding areas tell a moving story associated with
the Sita mandir in the area, about how that temple came to
be. When Sita was banished by Ram, she roamed from village
to village as a homeless destitute. When she came to this
particular village, she was in an advanced stage of pregnancy.
She begged for food but the villagers, for some reason, did
not oblige. She cursed the village, vowing that no anaj (grain)
would ever grow in their fields. The villagers say that until
the advent of hybrid wheat, for centuries, no wheat grew in
their village, though plenty grew in neighbouring villages.
The villagers all believe in Sita mai’s curse. Her two
sons were both said to have been born on the outskirts of
the village, where a temple was built commemorating Sita mata’s
years of banishment.
Apologia for Ram
The injustice done to Sita seems to weigh very heavily on
the collective conscience of men in India. Those few who try
to find justifications for Ram’s cruel behaviour towards
Sita take pains to explain it in one of the following ways:
• Ram did it not because he personally doubted Sita
but because of the demands of his dharma as a king; he knew
she was innocent but he had to show his praja (subject) that
unlike his father, he was not a slave to a woman, that as
a just raja he was willing to make any amount of personal
sacrifices for them.
• It was an act of sacrifice for him as well. He suffered
no less, and lived an ascetic life thereafter;
• He banished only the shadow of Sita. He kept the real
Sita by his side all the time.
Shastri Pandurang V. Athavale’s interpretation typifies
the far-fetched apologia offered by those who wish to exonerate
Ram. They even drag in the modern day holy cow of nationalism
in an attempt to explain away his conduct: “What we
have to remember is that it was not Ram who abandoned Sita;
in reality it was the king who abandoned the queen, in the
performance of his duty. He had to choose between a family
or a nation. Ram sacrificed his personal happiness for the
national interests and Sita extended her full co-operation
to Ram. To perform his duty as a king, Ram had sacrificed
his queen, not his wife.... At the time of performing Ashvamedha
Yagna, many requested Ram to marry another woman [which could
be done according to the command of holy scriptures].Ram firmly
replied to them: ‘In the heart of Ram there is a place
for only one woman and that one is Sita.’”
|
The ruins of Sita mandir, Yeotmal
Distt, Maharashtra |
| |
|
| In popular perception Sita’s
agni pariksha is not put in the same category as the mandatory
virginity test Diana had to go through in order to prove
herself a suitable bride for Prince Charles, but rather
as an act of supreme defiance on her part. |
|
Sita of Folk Songs
INTERESTINGLY, the sentiments expressed in the interviews
I gathered are very similar to those expressed in a folk
song from Avadh, UP. In this woman’s song, Sita,
though hemmed in on all sides and betrayed even by Lakshman,
who leaves her in the forest on false pretenses, rejects
Ram even more strongly than some modern educated women
do. The story as unfolded here shows Ram ordering a reluctant
Lakshman to banish Sita out of the kingdom. This is the
one issue on which Lakshman, Ram’s devoted brother,
differs strongly and expresses his disapproval of Ram’s
resolve to send Sita away, but still has to reluctantly
obey the King Ram. On the way, Sita is thirsty and asks
for some water. Lakshman leaves her sitting under a sandalwood
tree saying he will be back soon with some water for her,
but never returns. She is heartbroken at this treachery.
In the forest when she is crying helplessly, ascetic maidens
provide her support and care. After the birth of her twin
sons, she sends the customary gifts through the barber
for Raja Dashrath, her mother-in-law Kaushalya and brother
Lakshman and tells the barber, “but do not go to
my husband.” When Ram learns through Lakshman that
his wife has given birth to sons, he is stunned with remorse
and grief. He sends Lakshman to fetch Sita. Sita refuses
point blank: “Go back to Ayodhya, brother in-law,
I will not go with you.” (Devra jahu lavti tu Ayodhya
ta hum nahi jabe). The sage Vashisth admonishes her saying:
“Sita, you who are so wise, renowned for your understanding,
have you taken leave of your senses that you have forgotten
Ram?” Sita
replies:
Guru, you who know what I went
through but ask me this question
As though you know nothing,
The Ram who put me in the fire, who threw me out of
the house
Guru, how shall I see his face?
Guru, I will do as you say,
I will walk with Lakshman a step or twain
But I will never in my life see the face of that heartless
Ram again
And may fate never cause us to meet again.
Some years later, Ram meets his sons by accident and questions
them:
Whose sons or nephews are you, Oh
children?
From whose womb did you take birth, Oh twin boys?
Luv and Kush reply:
We are the grandsons of Raja Janak and the
beloved sons of Sita.
We are the nephews of Lakshman -
And we know not the name of our father.
Thus Sita, in her rejection of Ram, goes to the extent
of giving her sons a matrilineal heritage — they
claim Janak and not Dashrath as their grandfather and
do not even own their own father. And when Ram comes repentantly
to take her back, this is how the folk song deals with
Sita’s reaction:
Sita Rani sat under a tree, and combed her
hair, combed her hair,
“Oh queen, leave now your heart’s anger
and come to live at Ayodhya,
Oh Sita, without you the world is dark and life utterly
fruitless.”
Sita looked at him one moment, her eyes filled with
anger,
Sita descended into the earth, she spoke not a word.
(Singh, 1986)4 |
| For a full translation of this folk song,
see Manushi No.8, 1981. |
Athavale is at pains to point out that Ram’s
abandonment of Sita was a symbol of the highest self
sacrifice. “Sita was dearer to Ram than his own
life. He had never doubted the chastity of Sita ...
For had it been so, he would not have kept by his side
the golden image of Sita during the sacrificial rites
[Ashwamedha Yagna].” (Athavale, 1976)5 |
| |
However, even a passionate devotee of Ram like Pandurang
Shastri finds it hard to give a totally clean chit to
Ram: “Once Ram appeared callous, even cruel.
Upon the death of Ravan,
after the |
|
battle of Lanka, Sita, extremely happy appears before Ram. Sternly,
Ram says to her, ‘I do not want you who has been looked at and
touched by another person. You may go wherever you want to. You may
go either to Bharat, Laxman, Shatrughan, or Vibhishan and stay with
any of them.’ We do not know for what purpose he was so harsh,
or what he intended to convey to Sita by these words, but it is equally
certain that they were terrible words ... Even the people who heard
Ram saying such bitter words wept. Everyone felt the bitterness of
those words, the injustice that was done, but none dared to protest
or plead.”6
The most powerful indictment,
however, comes from the people of Mithila, the region which is the
parental homeland of Sita. We are told that Sita’s being is
part of the very consciousness of Mithila; she is all pervasive
in the land, in the water, and in the air of Mithila. “Her
pain sits like a
heavy stone on the hearts of Mithila’s people.” (Khan,
1986)7 This sentiment comes through numerous folk songs
of the region. An account of what the injustice done to Sita means
to the people of Mithila is poignantly evident in several accounts
by leading Hindi writers published in the form of a joint travelogue.
This project was organised by the don of Hindi literature, Sachidanand
Vatsayayan, whereby a large group of Hindi writers travelled through
the region connected with Sita’s name starting from her birthplace
Sitamarhi on to Janakpur, Ayodhya and ending their journey in Chitrakoot.
The purpose of this project was to delve into the secret of why
and how the Ramayan, the story of Ram and Janaki, and the locales
associated with their names, have become part of people’s
consciousness and how it has influenced the value system of the
educated as well as the illiterate and defined their cultural identity.
(Singh, 1986)8
Sita is not just the daughter of Janak in this region but a daughter
of all Mithila because, as the folk songs of this region testify,
popular sentiment maintains that, had Raja Janak by chance not gone
to plough the fields that particular day, someone else from any
other jati might have gone and found her. In that case she would
have become that person’s daughter. Therefore, Sita is treated
as a daughter of every household in Mithila. In Mithila the entire
village is considered as naihar (parental home) not just one’s
actual father’s abode. (Khan, 1986)9 Therefore,
various folk songs show the entire people of Mithila grieving over
Sita’s fate.
In some folk songs women of different strata plead with their respective
husbands to go and fetch her back to her home after her desertion
by Ram. However, Sita in her pride and dignity refused to return
and brought up her two sons all on her own. Various writers of this
anthology describe how the dignity with which Sita suffered privations
after Ram’s painful rejection has remained alive in people’s
consciousness as if this injustice was undergone by their own daughter.
“Even today, people of Mithila avoid marrying off their daughters
in Marg-Shish because that is the month Sita got married. Even today,
people of Mithila do not want to marry their daughters into families
living in Avadh, in fact anywhere west of Mithila.
They repeatedly recite Sita’s
name in marriage songs but Ram’s name is omitted. At
the end of the song there is usually one line which says “‘such
like Sita was married into Raghukul [the family name of Ram]’”
(Dalmia, 1986)10. There is a beautiful folk song
of Mithila quoted by Usha Kiran Khan in which a daughter tells
her father what kind of a groom he should find for her. After
describing various qualities she is looking for, the daughter
advises her father: “Go search in the north, go south,
or get me a groom from the east. But don’t go westward,
O father, get me a groom from the north.” (Khan, 1986)11
This daughter of Mithila has a status higher than that of
Ram in her own region. In various polemical songs, Ram is
shown as inferior to Sita. (ibid)12 At the time
of marriage Shiv Parvati songs are more popular than Sita
songs. In this context it is well worth remembering that Ram
had to prove himself worthy of Sita before her father offered
his daughter to him. This is how one of the folk songs of
this region describes it: “Everyday Sita used to clean
and smear cowdung in the temple courtyard. One day her father
Janak saw her lift the heavy Shiv dhanush (bow) with her left
hand while smearing with her right hand the floor where the
dhanush was kept. At that very moment he vowed that he would
marry his daughter only to such a man who had the valour to
break that dhanush into nine pieces. Hence, the condition
of the swayamvar that Sita would only be given in marriage
to a man who could demonstrate
such exceptional |
|
strength.”13 People of Mithila still believe that
though Ram passed the initial test for winning her, he failed to prove
a worthy husband. Another writer, Shankar Dayal Singh, commented on
how he sensed the all pervasive sentiment of anguish and pain in the
collective consciousness of the people of this region at the injustice
done to Sita. He goes on to say:
“This region has taken
a strange revenge in a silent way. From pauranic times, everywhere,
in every village and small town (kasba) are found Shri Janaki mandirs
where Ram and Lakshman are also present along with Janaki. But the
temples are named after Sita as evidence that somewhere the pain
of Sita is still hurting the folk sentiment consciousness as though
saying: ‘Ram, you made our Sita walk barefoot in the forests.
Ravan challenged your manhood and forcibly abducted Sita. Though
this mother of the universe (Jagajannani) went through the fire
ordeal to prove her
innocence, you abandoned her. Our daughter, our sister was treated
thus by Ayodhya. But we are careful of our maryada (honour). That
is why O Ram, we will keep your idol in the temple. We will even
worship it, but the temple will be known in Sita’s name.’
That is why the whole area is littered with Shri Janaki mandirs.
There are Sita legends attached to every spot, even trees and ponds.”
(Singh, 1986)14
Vatsayan comments on how in Chitrakoot people offered them leaves
from a tree believed to be the ones which the abandoned Sita used
to eat in order to still her hunger. What is the proof offered?
The leaves tasted sour and if you drink water after chewing some,
the water tasted sweet. So the lore has it that Sita mai used to
drink water after filling her stomach with these leaves and that
sweet aftertaste helped sustain her through days of destitution.
Thus, her memory is kept alive in every aspect of the natural as
well as the cultural landscape of Mithila. As writer Lakshmi Kant
Varma sums it up: “Sita sahanshilta (quality of dignified
tolerance) is written on every leaf of Balmiki Nagar” —
the ashram where she spent her years of banishment. (Varma, 1986)15
|
| A modern calendar representation of Shiv and Parvati |
|
The Television Ram
Even in the rest of India, very few people endorse Ram’s
behaviour towards Sita. He has not been forgiven this injustice
through all these centuries, despite his being a revered figure
in most other ways. In this context, I am reminded of the
time when Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan was being telecast
over Doordarshan. As the story began approaching the point
when Sita was supposed to undergo her agnipariksha the serial
makers were flooded in advance with so many letters of protest
against the depiction of Sita going through the fire ordeal
that Sagar was forced to deviate from his text and show the
agnipariksha to be a mock one. The TV Ram was made to clarify
that he did not doubt Sita’s chastity. Clearly, Ram’s
injustice to Sita has hung so heavily on the collective conscience
of Indians that they are willing to demand that a sacred text
be altered. In this new text, determined by contemporary devotees,
maryada purushottam Ram was being ordered to behave better.
Disqualified Husband
The final rejection of Ram by Sita has come to acquire a
much larger meaning in popular imagination than one woman’s
individual protest against the injustice done to her. It is
a whole culture’s rejection of Ram as a husband. For
instance, people will say approvingly: “He is a Ram-like
son, a Ram-like brother, or a Ramlike king.” But they
will never say as a mark of approval, “He is a Ram-like
husband.” If Ram had not been smart enough to win Sita
for a wife by his skill in stringing Shiv’s bow, if
instead Janak had decided to match their horoscope and it
had predicted that Sita would be abandoned by him, I doubt
that Ram would have ever found a wife. No father would have
consented to give his daughter to a man like Ram — his
claims to godlike perfection notwithstanding. Most people
I talked to echoed this sentiment: “Ram honge bade admi
par Sita ne kya sukh paya?” (Ram may have been a great
man, but what good did it do Sita?) |
Thus, not just modern day Sitas but even traditional women
and men reject Ram as an appropriate husband. Indian women’s
favourite husband has forever been Bhole Shiv Shankar — the
innocent, the trusting, the all devoted spouse who allowed his wife
to guide his life and his decisions. Unmarried women keep fasts
on Monday, the day assigned for Lord Shiv and pray that they may
be blessed with Parvati’s good fortune. Shiv and Parvati are
the most celebrated and happy couple in Hindu mythology, representing
perfect joy in togetherness, including in their sexual union. Their
mutual devotion, companionship and respect for each other are legendary.
Shiv is not seen as a bossy husband demanding unconditional obedience
but as one who respected his wife’s wishes, even her trivial
whims. To quote Devyani (a middle aged woman working as a domestic
help in my neighbourhood): “Bhole Shankar never caused pain
to his wife. He would indulge every whim of hers. Only when a man
behaves with such respect for his wife can you have a sukhi grahsthi
(happy domestic life).”
It is significant that pauranic descriptions of Shiv show him as
the least domesticated and the most rebellious of all the gods,
one whose appearance and adventures border on the weird. He is so
unlike a normal husband that Sati’s father never forgives
her for marrying Shiv. Yet Hindu women have selectively domesticated
him for their purpose, emphasising his devotion to Sati/Parvati
as well as the fact that he allowed his spouse an important role
in influencing his decisions. At the same time these women conveniently
overlook the many very prominent and contradictory aspects of his
life and deeds.
Interestingly, Parvati is not
just seen as a grihalakshmi, as someone whose reign is confined
to the domestic sphere. She often also controls and guides
Shiv’s dealings with the outside world, constantly goading
him to be more generous, compassionate and sensitive to the
needs of his bhakts.
While there has been a lot of discussion and analysis of
the demands put on women in the Hindu tradition, the sacrifices
expected of ideal wives, we have failed to evaluate the demands
put on an ideal husband. The Hindu tradition might valourise
wives who put up with tyrannical husbands gracefully but it
does not valourise unreasonable husbands. On the contrary,
it places heavy demands on them and expects very high levels
of sexual and emotional loyalty from them if they are to qualify
as “good husbands”. Shiv, for instance, is perceived
as someone who cannot live without Parvati. He is said to
have no desire for other women. He is supposed to have roamed
around the world like a crazed being carrying Parvati’s
dead body on his shoulders after she jumped into the fire
to protest against her father’s insult to her husband.
His tandava threatens to destroy the whole world and he rests
only after he has brought her back to life. However, most
women realise that a Shiv like husband is not easy to get.
Therefore, they need other strategies to make husbands act
responsibly.
There are several practical reasons why Sita-like behaviour
makes sense to Indian women. The outcome of marriage in India
depends not just on the attitude of a husband but as much
on the kind of relationship a women has with her marital family
and extended kinship group. If, like Sita, she commands respect
and affection from the latter, she can frequently count on
them to intervene on her behalf and keep her husband from
straying, from behaving unreasonably. Similarly, once her
children grow up, they can often play an effective role in
protecting her from being needlessly bullied by her husband,
and bring about a real change in the power equation in the
family, because in India, children, especially sons, frequently
continue living with their parents even after they are grown
up. A woman can hope to get her marital relatives and her
children to act in her favour only if she is seen as being
more or less above reproach.
Most women realise that it is not easy to tie men down to
domestic responsibility. You need a lot of social and familial
controls on men in order to prevent them from extra-marital
affairs which can seriously jeopardise the stability of a
marriage. Thus, they think it is best to avoid taking on the
ways of men. To respond to a husband’s unreasonableness
or extramarital affair by seeking a divorce or having an affair
herself would only allow men further excuses
to legitimise their irresponsible
behaviour. Thus, it is a |
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| Uma-Mahesvara, Khiching Museum |
| |
|
| The Hindu tradition might valourise
wives who put up with tyrannical husbands gracefully
but it does not valourise unreasonable husbands |
|
strategy to domesticate men, to minimise the risk of marriage break-down
and of having to be a single parent, with its consequent effect on
children. A man breaking off with a Sitalike wife is likely to invite
widespread disapproval in his social circle and is therefore, more
likely to be kept under a measure of restraint, even if he has a tendency
to stray.
|
| I am grateful to my friend Berny and
my colleague Dhirubhai Sheth for their helpful comments
and suggestions on an earlier draft of this paper. |
|
While for women Sita represents an example
of an ideal wife, for men she is Sita mata (jagjannani), not
just the daughter of earth but Mother Earth herself who inspires
awe and reverence. By shaping themselves in the Sita mould,
women often manage to acquire enormous clout and power over
their husbands and family.
References:
1. |
Sudhir Kakkar, 1978, quoting from P. Pratap’s
unpublished thesis in The Inner World, Oxford University
Press. |
2. |
Vidya Bindu Singh, 1986. ‘Sita Surujva ke Joti’,
in Sacchidananda Vatsayan (ed.) Jan, Janak, Janaki, pp.
125-26(New Delhi, Vatsal Foundation). |
3. |
Kalidasa. Raghuvamsha. 14. 61 |
4. |
Vidya Bindu Singh, 1986. ‘Sita Surujva ke Joti’,
in Sacchidananda Vatsayan (ed.) Jan, Janak, Janaki, pp.
122-26(New Delhi, Vatsal Foundation). |
5. |
Shastri Pandurang V. Athavale, 1976. Balmiki Ramayana
- A Study, pp. 161- 2 Bombay, Satvichar Darshan Trust. |
6. |
ibid |
7. |
Usha Kiran Khan, 1986. ‘Sita Janam Biroge Gel’,
in Sacchidananda Vatsayan (ed.) Jan, Janak, Janaki, op.cit,
pp.119. |
8. |
Karan Singh, 1986. Introduction in Sacchidananda Vatsayan
(ed.) Jan, Janak, Janaki, op.cit. |
9. |
Usha Kiran Khan, 1986, op.cit, pp. 120. |
10. |
Ila Dalmia, 1986. ‘Sita Samaropti Vaam Bhagam’,
in Sacchidananda Vatsayan (ed.) Jan, Janak, Janaki, op.cit,
p. 32. |
11. |
Usha Kiran Khan, op.cit, p. 120. |
12. |
ibid p.121 |
13. |
Vidya Bindu Singh, op.cit. p. 122. |
14. |
Shankar Dayal Singh, 1986.‘Ek Gudgudi, Ek Vyathageet’,
in Sacchidananda Vatsayan (ed) Jan, Janak, Janaki, op.cit.
p.53 |
15. |
Lakshmi Kant Varma, 1986. ‘Kabir Ki Do Samadhiyon
Ke Beech’, in Sacchidanada Vatsayan (ed) Jan, Janak,
Janaki, op.cit. p.73. |
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